So I bought an accordion...

Yeah, I know. You've heard the joke about what is perfect pitch? It's when you throw an accordion in the trash can and hit a banjo. (drum hit: bada-boom!)

I don't know why, but I've had the idea to have an accordion for a long time now. I love Zydeco music, I love the soundtrack to Amelie, and anything with that French/Gypsy vibe, and I do happen to have some recordings by Art Van Damme, legendary jazz accordionist. I had a rare Leon Sash CD, but I can't find it now.

So, I happened across a listing on craigslist, and I got that wild hair. I called the woman that was selling it to ask a few questions. She told me that she didn't know anything about it aside that it was made in Italy in the fifties, and belonged to her stepfather who abandoned it when he ran off to Panama to be with another woman. That was all I needed to hear, and I bought it for the princely sum of $160. I asked her if she thought that her stepfather bought another accordion after he settled down in Panama, but she didn't know, and didn't seem to like the question.

Here's the deal: these things are hard to play! Woof, I thought that since it had a keyboard, it wouldn't be that difficult. First of all, the keys are tiny, and my big sausage fingers can hardly keep from hitting two notes at a time when all I want to do is play one. Second, when you're playing the thing, you can't see anything! It's all on the sides, and at an angle that makes it hard just to see where a C note is.

And that's just the right hand side. Forget about the left side. There are 120 buttons! They produce bass notes, and major, minor, 7th and diminished chords, and some other things I haven't figured out yet.

Add to that the fact that you have to keep the bellows moving, or the poor thing sounds like it's suffering from emphysema.

After a few weeks of fooling around with it, I can almost play the theme from Amelie, but I am a long way from getting the coordination needed to play the bass/chords on the left, the melody in the right, and keeping the bellows moving so it doesn't run out of air mid-phrase, like it's trying to sing while drowning. Yes, I do have trouble walking and chewing gum at the same time, so this is going to be a challenge. I will never, ever, ever diss another accordion player in my life. This thing is a bitch to play.

But the good news is that, according to the experts at accordion.com, learning the accordion will not only increase my self-esteem, it may offer job opportunities. Things are looking up.